Letter # 1
Today hasn’t been the easiest day; yet it hasn’t been the hardest. I know that death is just one of those conundrums that is a part of the human condition. None of us are exempt from its clutches. But yet there is this part of me that wants to still hold on; to live in denial and to believe that it did not happen. Oh yes, I know it did, but I’ve tried hard to believe otherwise. And suddenly, I begin to feel utter loneliness as though I were the only one in the world dealing with this pain. Utter selfishness. I am unready to say goodbye; unwilling to admit that I will never seem him again; uncertain of what the future will hold.
I haven’t even read my Bible since this whole affair, and I have barely said anything to God except “why” and “still I will trust you.” There is nothing more to be said of it. I am thankful that so many people are praying for me, and I hope that more will.
It is hard feeling peace, but at the same time feeling heaviness. How can the two even fit together? It seems nigh impossible. I go from utter breakdown to feeling okay again. Will I ever feel normal again? Yes, in time. Will I still grieve? From time to time. But I know that some how or other, I will make it through. As will those whose pain runs deeper than my own.
